and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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