Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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