I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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