The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
