are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
two words: eviction party
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
