I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
