and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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