Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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