I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
