thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
