You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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