I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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