Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize