so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
