Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
