tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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