i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
