Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
