the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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