apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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