You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
