I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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