the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
