And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
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