I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
