2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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