she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
do herpes really smell.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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