Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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