Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
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whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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