I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
