TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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