you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
