if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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