im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
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