i just wanna soil my oats bro
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
