Your face is a jimmy john
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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