so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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