I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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