I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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