Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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