Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
