And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
