she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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