Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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