so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
3 2 1 whiskey
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
