Where did you get a picture of my penis
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I want to fling myself into the sun
I had to cum in my sink.
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