Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
