Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize