I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
