I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
