Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
