No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
