i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
