I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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