Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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