I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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