my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
