i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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