This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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