did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
